My Dear Son,
My due date with Baby #3 is fast approaching. In less than a month, you will be a big brother. It’s something we have talked about for months, something that your older sister already adores. She is so ready to be a big sister to this new baby, more excited than she was to become a big sister for you. She spends her days lining up her baby dolls, dressing them, doting on them, and tucking them into bed. I have every confidence she will make this transition well.
It’s you I worry about.
Ever since the beginning, you have been my most cuddly child. You and I are peas in a pod. I wore you constantly as a baby because you always wanted to be as close as possible to me. Even now, at age 2, you wail if I leave you behind to do errands or even walk too far away. You love giving me kisses and holding my hand. You’re a “mama’s boy,” and at this stage in life it’s something I treasure – I love you with all my heart. It is a gift that you want to be with me, and I pray it’s a quality you will never lose.
You are my baby.
Even though you can walk and talk, you are my youngest. I unconsciously “baby” you a little more than I do your sister. I snuggle you a little more. Sometimes you get away with more because you turn your big baby blues and baby cheeks up to me and I melt. These days with you are precious, and lately, I feel that all the more acutely as another baby is kicking me from the inside, about to take your place.
Whether or not I want it to happen, things between you and me will have to change when this new baby arrives. My expectations for you will be different. The same thing happened to your sister when you were born; in a flash, I realized she was a toddler, not a baby, and I expected her to do more things independently because I was tied up with nursing you. You’ll go from being “my baby” to being a “big boy.” Growing up happens in fits and spurts, and this is going to be one of those times where growing up goes fast. I’m going to need you to take on a little more yourself – play by yourself a little more, and get more things on your own. It breaks my heart that my attention will be a little more divided. I worry about you becoming a middle child. Your world is going to be very different to come next month. It breaks my heart that you won’t be “the baby”.
I don’t want to lose you in the shuffle. You are just as precious to me as you have always been. There is so much looming on the horizon; I know things will change – but I don’t know exactly HOW they will change, and I am so ambivalent about it. There are moments and seasons in life where things are so wonderful, you get so scared because you don’t want anything to change. Happiness can seem so fragile sometimes. Our family is in such a joyful place, I feel like I am holding my breath, trying to soak up this time as a family of four, because the only thing I know for sure is that this time is beautiful – and it is fleeting.
When my due date drew near with you, I would hold your sister with tears in my eyes, terrified by the enormity of my love for her and petrified that I could never love another child as much. But then you were born, and my heart ballooned. It is a miracle, but mothers truly love their children, however many they are blessed with, infinitely. I’m not worried about loving baby #3, and I could never love you less, no matter what. My love for you is boundless. Some things never change. If anything, seeing you take on a new role as “big brother” will only endear you to me more. Regardless, in these last, expectant days, I will hold you a little closer, kiss your smooth little neck a little more, drink in your sweet toddler smell a bit more deeply, and praise God for the ways He has enriched my life by placing you in it.
Son, I’m sorry you won’t be “the baby” in the family anymore – but in my heart, you’ll always be my special baby boy.
How did you feel when you added children to your family?